i've been going under, barely staying afloat in my own head full of negativity. sometimes letting myself sink into the jet black thoughts of "i can't do it, so what's the point", other times giving a measly half-assed kick just to say, just to prove "see, i knew i couldn't do it."
i remember reading an article in our high school newspaper about those kids in high school (note: i am one of these very people) who would say after every test, no matter what, that they "think they failed" & after they get their test back that clearly has a fat red A on it, they reiterate that they "really thought they were going to fail." apparently it has an actual name, impostor syndrome, & being the unchanging boring blogger that i am, i wrote about this exact thing two and a half years ago.
funny thing is, back then i think my naive (?) high school self didn't really get what impostor syndrome was beyond preparing one's self for bad results (i.e. telling yourself you can't do anything even though deep down inside you know you're going to come out fine). it really pales in comparison to how i've become now, how severe this...problem has been getting of feeling like an impostor, like i don't deserve to be here, even more so every day because i just haven't been trying.
it goes something like this. in high school, i was surrounded by people who had known me for 10+ years. these people knew i grew up as a quiet bookworm, they knew i did well in school, they expected results from me, and being the teenager i was, i cared about their opinions a lot more than my parents'. but moving on to college, here you are surrounded by so many people who have no idea what kind of person you are or were, who don't know if you're as 'smart' as they are or how you got into this school, really, & your parents are miles & miles away with their only power being nagging you through the phone, & you just start to lose perspective. you stop trying, but more than that you stop worrying.
because believe me, i have tried, but in such a half-hearted "here i am sitting at the library staring at my notes" kind of attempt that you could barely call it an effort. it's when the worrying & the guilt sinks in that i really sit down, concentrate, & don't look back. & that's what i've been missing all along.
beyond just school examples & metaphors, the negativity has infected everything. knocking everything down because it just "seems like a bad idea, "that i might "get hurt," all of these preconceived judgments & outcomes before i ever really do get hurt. not even feeling regret because i didn't even try to care in the first place. so again, making a life of days strung along by doing duties you "know" you have to do but see absolutely no reason as to why.
but all it takes is just one person, one person beyond your usual scope of nagging parents bickering about your grades, your life. all it takes is just one person to show you that you can & should rise up to the challenge every time, no questions asked. & so i relax, naturally floating up to the brim (much easier than i thought), pushing & kicking myself out of the black - finally being taught to swim.
car ma vie car mes joies
aujourd'hui, ça commence avec toi
(because my life, my joys
from today all begin with you)
playing | "non, je ne regrette rien" - edith piaf
photo | bonjour, lucia ; flickr
