do you ever wonder if you're the only one?
when you spend your wasted time envisioning a better life, placing yourself in circumstances. front row at your favorite concert. walking the halls of the louvre in silence. having your own column every month. living by yourself, free of all ties that have bogged you down. being where you wanted to be, being surrounded by all the opportunities you've ever wanted.
& finding that it just wasn't as special as it seemed.
you know you're not the only one.
it seems to you that everyone has a decent amount of friends circling them, somebody ready to hang out on a whim - as do you. but aside from the small number of outliers you can also perceive that these are just friends, not friends. people you could wake up & rant to any time at night. people you could bestow your greatest secrets to, & people who wouldn't change their attitude towards you because of it. people who you don't have to fear. above all, the one word that haunts us all, people you can trust. you can see you're not the only one - there's plenty more of you where you came from.
so why, why are we still struggling? still searching? for more, for more?
something tangible, something true.
you know you're qualified, you know you can accomplish things in this world. you got in here, in fact, so there must be something decent, something worthy. you can churn out grades when you feel like (when you really...do...feel like), sure; never mind that other people can do it better. never mind that someone else can study better, suck up better, treat others better, sing better, dance better, write better, be better. you know you're alright, you know you're enough...
am i enough? enough to stop comparing? enough to stop the jealousy?
when worries surpass you.
it's those words repeated over & over again to you when you voice your concerns. why worry about the future? why dream up these big sequences in which every possible scenario will falter, go wrong? why think of failure, set yourself up failure? why, why, why not just live in the present? let things be?
because good things don't last.
because if i don't think of this now, i will crash & burn even harder when it does.
because i don't believe, it is so hard for me to believe, that happiness could just be.
