when i fall, i fall hard.
i'm not just talking about friends or crushes (although i'm sure that applies, it just happens way less frequently). i mean all the things i love to do, the passions & hobbies i get swept up & consumed in. the bands i adore, the clubs i'm in, the mundane websites i browse through on late nights like these - i discover something i know i'll love, & it takes & eats up all of me. the prospect of something new, the prospect of change: i'll chase it time & time again.
the best (or worst) part of it all is how quickly i try to become an "expert" on whatever my new flavor of the week is. if i find a new artist i like i'll replay all their albums until i grow sick of them. i'll read old articles & dig through search results on the strangest of subjects. it's as if my mind wants to catalog every single piece of information right now. & so i get ahead of myself, spending hours & hours on this new "obsession" until i stumble onto the next.
perhaps this is why i've been called a poser before. i'm not trying to be fake though, it's just that my mind speeds up & wants to drown itself in this temporary obsession in an incredibly short amount of time, i'll admit. it's not my know-it-all attitude (as if i'd have one) but the fact that i wish i'd become a know-it-all, becoming familiar with absolutely anything & everything there is to know. trying to become a sort of expert in a matter of days as if i had been familiar with it for a matter of years. & it's this characteristic of me that is worthy of embracing but a bit too dangerous at times.
recently, what with my new "let's embrace being korean" outlook, i've been so damn sensitive to any sort of criticism or judgment people lay on me. they call my 2nd generation accent "cute" but to me it just sounds like a euphemism for "you reek of fake." people correct my grammar & i want to hang my head in shame - i know they're just trying to help, but i can't help but to feel embarrassed & unworthy. i know i've spent the past 7 years denying my ethnicity to the core, but this sudden 180 degree obsession has made me so unreasonable.
at the same time i can feel those very people who've known me all along - the ones who know how white-washed i've been - judge me with discerning eyes for the complete opposite reason. coming to college & becoming super korean, posting korean statuses left & right & making all new korean friends means i'm trying too hard, being too fake - different accusations but underlying tones all the same.
what is it exactly that i want? to become suddenly 100% fluent? to give off a 1st generation image while completely ditching my true origin? i don't want any of that - that's not who i am. then what is it that i'm chasing? what is it that i am expecting? why is it that i hurt every time someone calls me out on being less than perfect? why do i take it to heart when i'm accused of being a tryhard, a wannabe, a fake?
it's more than disheartening when people don't understand that i'm still the same person inside, no matter how much my hobbies or interests change or no matter how much i try to change in general. i make the same snarky comments in whatever language with whatever people, i write the same kinds of entries, i bitch about the same things, i'm shy & play nice with the same strangers - no matter where i am or who i'm interacting with, i'm still the same. it drives me crazy when people don't get that about me. that i love change more than anything (& i like it fast), but dig deeper & it's spelled out quite clearly that i'm still the same old slightly insecure reclusive snarky girl. & that is always going to stay the same.
playing | "pictures of success" - rilo kiley
photo | rafa castells ; flickr
