it's funny how aspects of yourself manifest that you didn't even know existed. or traits that you knew you had, but that you didn't think were original or out of the blue in any way at all. only when someone different shows up do those traits start to distinguish themselves.
is it a highly american thing to believe in "free will"? not in the kind of free will as in free will vs. fate, free will vs. a higher power, a god, but the kind of free will where one believes that it's entirely another person's decision whether he wants to do something or not and who am i to persuade him one way or another? in one way it is so american, to accept and embrace the individual, but on the other hand considering our consumerist society, nothing is entirely our own decision, isn't it?
american or not, this belief in "free will" has apparently been embodied in me since who knows how long. the idea of pressuring someone into something, even just persuading someone or anything beyond the means of just asking them is too much for me. the idea that this person could be doing me a favor out of guilt, that it will all turn over in the end when they blame me for anything wrong, the fact that i'm now placed in this weaker position because i so desperately need them there is something i am incredibly afraid of.
but then you think about it on the flip side. what if you have the slightest intention? what if you kindofwanttodoit but no one seems to care that you do or don't, which in turn makes you feel unwanted and you blow a giant fuck you in their faces and walk off? it's this need of balance in the world where humans need attention from others, constantly, always, every single person and don't you dare deny it, but too much is just overbearing. where is that thin line?
photo | zuru1024 ; flickr
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