PERS ; DEFINE 'ADULT'.

i used to think i was mature. i don't know what i was thinking; maybe because the people who i thought knew me best would always tell me so, or maybe i just wanted to believe so much that i was more rational and better at decision making than the rest. it wasn't so much that i made the right choices, but i thought i knew right from wrong, i thought i knew when i was being irrational, i thought i was doing the best i could for myself and the people i loved.

now i'm a day from turning twenty. i can't call myself anything but a real adult now, and although the fullest privileges of drinking and clubbing and what not are still a year away, i don't have that "teen" suffix to my age anymore to account for my stupid mistakes. and never have i felt younger than i have now. i feel my brain moving in retrograde as i try to catch up to a culture and a language i had no idea of while slowly losing everything about the other in the process. my vocabulary is shrinking. i don't write anymore. i want to catch up to so many things but i can't keep everything else, since a brain is a finite thing - i can't buy myself more memory.

not to mention i am still such a brat. who wouldn't know that i was the youngest child? everything i do is because i want it. have i ever really been selfless? (has anyone? but that's irrelevant right now). more than that, have i ever really wanted to? have i really thought about anyone else's perspective, or do i just bitch on and on in my blog about how this tiny portion of my life sucks when everything else is so so good?

i hope today in the last day of my teens i will finally realize that i am lucky. not even the fact that i am well off, at a good school, with a supportive family and great friends, but i still have the will to keep going and i haven't given up yet no matter how degraded i may feel, no matter how much my own perception of myself has tanked. i need to be positive, and let others know how grateful i am before i lose it all. most importantly i hope i will learn once and for all that independence and learning to be alone is not the same as maturity, and that learning to give someone my all is just as, if not even more important.

i have always thought you were young and naive but little did i know i was even more so. once again you show me that what i think i know isn't everything. thank you.

photo | look left and look right ; flickr