MUSE ; THE LONELY ROAD.

We think we are all alone.

We think we are the only ones going through our struggles. We think no one could possibly understand, or commiserate, or give salient advice, since no one has been in our shoes. And this is true. We are not you, and you are not us, but nevertheless we are humans one & the same & chances are, we haven't gone what you've gone through - but we've been very darn close.

So it's a wonder (really, a wonder, no sarcasm intended) why we barely reach out. Why sharing too much is a bad thing. Why sharing too little is a bad thing. Why not talking is not enough. Why overtalking is too much. Why we know deep inside we've all felt the loneliness hit us, but when someone else is hit with the same we don't bother to assuage. Why is it that we convince ourselves night & day that we are the only ones, & sink ourselves into a downward spiral because we are the only one, woe is me, the only one?

You tell yourself constantly that if you fix this, this, & that, your life will be patched up & be as good as new. You tell yourself that if you just start over, maybe with a whole pack of new people, you will fare much better. And maybe you have, maybe you haven't. But you still run into these days where that passage of time has nothing good to you at all & you still feel the same loneliness. The knowledge that you know multiple, hundreds, thousands of people are out there that are just like you, that can relate to you, that can get along great with you, yet you still can't get down the magic trick of crossing the bar & getting to the level you want.

So you still fare alone. You walk alone, you listen to your iPod alone, & in the end you rant alone. Knowing that there are so many people right now doing the same.

photo | Inès ☆ ; flickr

PERS ; NEVER SEE MY SHADE OR HEAR THE SOUND OF MY FEET.

i feel it coming.

it's been a while that i've felt like this - a sinking feeling of my greatest fear being proven over & over, served to me on a big platter of "i told you so," making me feel so aware of the lone footsteps & panting breath that follow me back home every night. mine, just mine.

yes, it's happening: detaching myself from anyone & everyone, going into winter hibernation. people that have, in reality, done nothing wrong, but my false perception of people caring, of people worrying over someone other than themselves, something i can't even do myself - people have hurt me, unsurprising because frankly, with my super high expectations, how couldn't i be hurt?

i know i'm being unreasonable, i know i have to take the first step, i know this, i know this. i know we as humans are insecure at heart, i know we want everyone to care for us before we start to open up & care for them. i know no one wants to be hurt, & opening up? being vulnerable? fastest track to heartache 101. so i know others' apathy shouldn't surprise me, but it still doesn't ease the pangs of sadness infused in anger whenever they greet me in half-hearted 'hi's. when they are visibly uneasy over my presence. when they are talking with me & we can both feel the tension. i get it, i'm overanalyzing every single detail, but the slight chance that it's really what they're thinking - that really, truly, they don't want me around - it's those small odds that bring me to this moment every time.

i get that i'm being foolish when i get disappointed that when i spend a day home alone i get no texts, no calls, no nothing. that when i see someone, anyone, they're always walking with someone else, have plans with someone else, while i, i'm alone. i know it's my fault (i would much rather have it be my fault) that i'm not the one who's reaching out, that i'm perfectly capable of asking others, that i could, i should learn to care first, & then people will follow. & i beg that it's my fault - that it's me, me because i'm not calling you first, not you because you really don't like me for me. & that's really the essence of the whole thing.

i feel it coming.

succumbing to the fact that it's easier to live in a closed off hermitlike shell, cutting off contact in fear that no one likes me for me, cares about me for me, wants me for me. because i hear you, you don't like how quietly i talk, how snarky and blunt and rude i am, how i wear my hair, how far i live. yes, it was good for a while, a temporary while, a while that gave me all the hope that this cycle could be over this time. yet here i am receding once again, maybe this time understanding the impact of being vulnerable first. reaching out first. being a friend first. but honestly, i don't know how strong i am to do that. because like you, like all of us, i put on a strong mean front but i, we are all broken inside.

so i may look pathetic to you, i may look weak, & you may not understand me. but i'll just sum it up with some lines from the hercules movie (because if a disney movie can understand me, why can't you?)

"sometimes, it's better to be alone."

"what do you mean?"

"nobody can hurt you."

playing | "moon over bourbon street" - winterplay

photo | autumnfingers ; flickr

PERS ; DARKNESS IS A STRANGER IN OUR LONELY LONE.

sometimes i like being left alone. i don't want to talk to you, don't want to answer your nosy questions or try to salvage a dead conversation. i don't want to spill my secrets, don't want to open up & trust you - or anyone, for that matter. sometimes i want to stay at home all day & night, surrounded only by the voices leaking out of my itunes & characters on movie screens. sometimes i like walking alone, leaving myself to wander in my own thoughts. & sometimes, yes sometimes, i can't stand being around you for more than a few hours. i need me, just me, no one else - not you.

but then there are those days i wake up from a blast of chilliness breezing through the window. i curl up inside my blanket but it's not enough. my eyes squint at the time & it's too late, already afternoon, the day half gone. i unwillingly crawl out of bed & throw myself a mix of foods salvaged from the refrigerator & shove it down. i check my phone, my email, facebook, & there's nothing new. the world around me seems to be chattering away, talking & interacting with each other, leaving me behind to observe. i crack & break, sutures slowly unwinding as i feel this facade of embracing loneliness is becoming a lie, a lie.

i am someone who tries to embrace (& does succeed at) being alone. i wouldn't bitch & whine about being alone the entire weekend, finding company in books & movies & my own thoughts. i could learn to eat alone & cook alone, experimenting all kinds of dishes & being the sole tester. & i know how to love alone, not a flighty crush but loving myself, embracing every one of my flaws that i have dug up & found. i am not scared of myself. i don't fear knowing about what hidden subconscious nightmares i have inside, knowing i have perused & trashed every single one of them. i take personality quizzes with a half heart, knowing what i'll get since i know myself best.

so it's when i crawl out of my cave & see society's expectations of finding company in everything. maybe it's just america or the world at large, but we all try to be extroverts in every way possible. chattering on is not necessarily good but at least better than not talking & shying away in the background. meals must be had with friends or family, never alone. you see that old man at the restaurant saying table for one? everyone looks at him in pity, as if he has no one else, no company whatsoever who will eat with him. to society, to everyone, being alone is a bad, bad thing. & so we embrace love, finding company in a special someone, & we endorse marriage, being tied to someone else for the rest of your life. being alone, walking alone, watching movies alone, doing anything alone (except maybe going to the bathroom) is frowned upon.

& i hate that. don't you think we should embrace a little more of ourselves before running off to anyone else? i'm not talking about narcissism or vanity, but just the experience of being comfortable with ourselves & only ourselves. to spend several days doing everything on your own, knowing independence at its greatest - no depending whatsoever on any other human, but finding your own food, entertainment, & warmth...all alone. discovering what happiness is like on your own - not through loving someone else, not through great friendships - but anything that you can uncover yourself, through yourself.

i say this time & time again but we could all learn to embrace introspection a little more. knowing yourself before than & more than anyone else is one of the most powerful things we as humans can do. because just like you might be laughing at us introverts for loving to be alone, i laugh at you for not knowing about the one thing you've been stuck with the longest - all your life, even. because the only thing you can be sure of, the only thing life can promise is that you'll be with you for as long as you live. like the never-ending clingy bitch you are, you will never let go of you. you are never going to lose you, no matter how hard you may try. you will always be stuck with you.

so do you want to live & die in the arms of a stranger, or in the arms of your best friend?

playing | "sleep alone" - bat for lashes

photo | zuru1024 ; flickr