PERS ; NEVER SEE MY SHADE OR HEAR THE SOUND OF MY FEET.

i feel it coming.

it's been a while that i've felt like this - a sinking feeling of my greatest fear being proven over & over, served to me on a big platter of "i told you so," making me feel so aware of the lone footsteps & panting breath that follow me back home every night. mine, just mine.

yes, it's happening: detaching myself from anyone & everyone, going into winter hibernation. people that have, in reality, done nothing wrong, but my false perception of people caring, of people worrying over someone other than themselves, something i can't even do myself - people have hurt me, unsurprising because frankly, with my super high expectations, how couldn't i be hurt?

i know i'm being unreasonable, i know i have to take the first step, i know this, i know this. i know we as humans are insecure at heart, i know we want everyone to care for us before we start to open up & care for them. i know no one wants to be hurt, & opening up? being vulnerable? fastest track to heartache 101. so i know others' apathy shouldn't surprise me, but it still doesn't ease the pangs of sadness infused in anger whenever they greet me in half-hearted 'hi's. when they are visibly uneasy over my presence. when they are talking with me & we can both feel the tension. i get it, i'm overanalyzing every single detail, but the slight chance that it's really what they're thinking - that really, truly, they don't want me around - it's those small odds that bring me to this moment every time.

i get that i'm being foolish when i get disappointed that when i spend a day home alone i get no texts, no calls, no nothing. that when i see someone, anyone, they're always walking with someone else, have plans with someone else, while i, i'm alone. i know it's my fault (i would much rather have it be my fault) that i'm not the one who's reaching out, that i'm perfectly capable of asking others, that i could, i should learn to care first, & then people will follow. & i beg that it's my fault - that it's me, me because i'm not calling you first, not you because you really don't like me for me. & that's really the essence of the whole thing.

i feel it coming.

succumbing to the fact that it's easier to live in a closed off hermitlike shell, cutting off contact in fear that no one likes me for me, cares about me for me, wants me for me. because i hear you, you don't like how quietly i talk, how snarky and blunt and rude i am, how i wear my hair, how far i live. yes, it was good for a while, a temporary while, a while that gave me all the hope that this cycle could be over this time. yet here i am receding once again, maybe this time understanding the impact of being vulnerable first. reaching out first. being a friend first. but honestly, i don't know how strong i am to do that. because like you, like all of us, i put on a strong mean front but i, we are all broken inside.

so i may look pathetic to you, i may look weak, & you may not understand me. but i'll just sum it up with some lines from the hercules movie (because if a disney movie can understand me, why can't you?)

"sometimes, it's better to be alone."

"what do you mean?"

"nobody can hurt you."

playing | "moon over bourbon street" - winterplay

photo | autumnfingers ; flickr

MUSE ; ANY ONE WAY, ANY ANY ONE ONE WAY.

do you ever wonder if you're the only one?

when you spend your wasted time envisioning a better life, placing yourself in circumstances. front row at your favorite concert. walking the halls of the louvre in silence. having your own column every month. living by yourself, free of all ties that have bogged you down. being where you wanted to be, being surrounded by all the opportunities you've ever wanted.

& finding that it just wasn't as special as it seemed.

you know you're not the only one.

it seems to you that everyone has a decent amount of friends circling them, somebody ready to hang out on a whim - as do you. but aside from the small number of outliers you can also perceive that these are just friends, not friends. people you could wake up & rant to any time at night. people you could bestow your greatest secrets to, & people who wouldn't change their attitude towards you because of it. people who you don't have to fear. above all, the one word that haunts us all, people you can trust. you can see you're not the only one - there's plenty more of you where you came from.

so why, why are we still struggling? still searching? for more, for more?

something tangible, something true.

you know you're qualified, you know you can accomplish things in this world. you got in here, in fact, so there must be something decent, something worthy. you can churn out grades when you feel like (when you really...do...feel like), sure; never mind that other people can do it better. never mind that someone else can study better, suck up better, treat others better, sing better, dance better, write better, be better. you know you're alright, you know you're enough...

am i enough? enough to stop comparing? enough to stop the jealousy?

when worries surpass you.

it's those words repeated over & over again to you when you voice your concerns. why worry about the future? why dream up these big sequences in which every possible scenario will falter, go wrong? why think of failure, set yourself up failure? why, why, why not just live in the present? let things be?

because good things don't last.

because if i don't think of this now, i will crash & burn even harder when it does.

because i don't believe, it is so hard for me to believe, that happiness could just be.

playing | "mach" - rainbow

photo | alison scarpulla ; flickr

PERS ; A MODERN GIRL BUT I FOLD IN HALF.

when i fall, i fall hard.

i'm not just talking about friends or crushes (although i'm sure that applies, it just happens way less frequently). i mean all the things i love to do, the passions & hobbies i get swept up & consumed in. the bands i adore, the clubs i'm in, the mundane websites i browse through on late nights like these - i discover something i know i'll love, & it takes & eats up all of me. the prospect of something new, the prospect of change: i'll chase it time & time again.

the best (or worst) part of it all is how quickly i try to become an "expert" on whatever my new flavor of the week is. if i find a new artist i like i'll replay all their albums until i grow sick of them. i'll read old articles & dig through search results on the strangest of subjects. it's as if my mind wants to catalog every single piece of information right now. & so i get ahead of myself, spending hours & hours on this new "obsession" until i stumble onto the next.

perhaps this is why i've been called a poser before. i'm not trying to be fake though, it's just that my mind speeds up & wants to drown itself in this temporary obsession in an incredibly short amount of time, i'll admit. it's not my know-it-all attitude (as if i'd have one) but the fact that i wish i'd become a know-it-all, becoming familiar with absolutely anything & everything there is to know. trying to become a sort of expert in a matter of days as if i had been familiar with it for a matter of years. & it's this characteristic of me that is worthy of embracing but a bit too dangerous at times.

recently, what with my new "let's embrace being korean" outlook, i've been so damn sensitive to any sort of criticism or judgment people lay on me. they call my 2nd generation accent "cute" but to me it just sounds like a euphemism for "you reek of fake." people correct my grammar & i want to hang my head in shame - i know they're just trying to help, but i can't help but to feel embarrassed & unworthy. i know i've spent the past 7 years denying my ethnicity to the core, but this sudden 180 degree obsession has made me so unreasonable.

at the same time i can feel those very people who've known me all along - the ones who know how white-washed i've been - judge me with discerning eyes for the complete opposite reason. coming to college & becoming super korean, posting korean statuses left & right & making all new korean friends means i'm trying too hard, being too fake - different accusations but underlying tones all the same.

what is it exactly that i want? to become suddenly 100% fluent? to give off a 1st generation image while completely ditching my true origin? i don't want any of that - that's not who i am. then what is it that i'm chasing? what is it that i am expecting? why is it that i hurt every time someone calls me out on being less than perfect? why do i take it to heart when i'm accused of being a tryhard, a wannabe, a fake?

it's more than disheartening when people don't understand that i'm still the same person inside, no matter how much my hobbies or interests change or no matter how much i try to change in general. i make the same snarky comments in whatever language with whatever people, i write the same kinds of entries, i bitch about the same things, i'm shy & play nice with the same strangers - no matter where i am or who i'm interacting with, i'm still the same. it drives me crazy when people don't get that about me. that i love change more than anything (& i like it fast), but dig deeper & it's spelled out quite clearly that i'm still the same old slightly insecure reclusive snarky girl. & that is always going to stay the same.

playing | "pictures of success" - rilo kiley

photo | rafa castells ; flickr